As we awoke this morning, to begin our day, I noticed we had 20 minutes to get ready and out of the door.  This is much like most mornings.  Also, like most mornings, this is my fault.  Not theirs!  My girls need me to get them up and ready and get their day started.  So why do I wait so long to get up?  It’s a me issue, that’s for sure!  The question comes up, in my mind, often.  Am I failing as their mother?  It’s gut wrenching and heart breaking the moment the thought pops in my brain.  My struggle is, do I think reality and pick apart every little thing that I do and say to try to answer this question for myself?  Do I seek the advice of outsiders to validate what I may or may not think?  Or do I proclaim, right then and there, that the devil is looking for the main area of my life to try to give me doubts about?

I yell.  I yell way more than I should.  There is a calm, rational way of saying things, especially to children.  So why do I chose to raise my voice so much so that my oldest gives me a blank, disappointing stare, and my youngest wells up with tears?  No, I don’t curse them, no, I don’t put them down….but isn’t my typical go-to of yelling just as negative of a response as cursing?  What my kids need are parents that love them, raise them, and teach them.  What my kids do not need are parents that are constantly speaking negativity into their brains, cluttering their thoughts and emotions.  Worse, causing them to feel emotions they shouldn’t have to feel from their parents.

So, am I failing as a mother?

This morning, I didn’t wake up in the best mood. As mentioned, we woke up with very little time to get ourselves together and on the road. Me issue.  Once we were finally dressed and had our hair looking “half-way” decent, I told them to go get their backpacks, lunch boxes, and jackets.  I picked up some in the bedroom and got my purse.  As I walked into the kitchen I noticed, not only did they not get any of the things together that I’d told them to, but they were putting on their winter hats and gloves.  It was 61 degrees outside.  I got angry.  I reminded them, loudly, what I’d told them to do and asked them why they did not mind me.  Neither spoke.  They rushed to put their hats and gloves away.  As they were doing so, I saw where they’d made a huge mess the night before and did not pick up after themselves.  This is a constant battle.  They are kids.  So, thus begun the raising of mothers voice on THAT subject.  I’d worked myself up so much that my voice was trembling and sore.  They watched, silently.  I don’t know that they were listening.  Who would listen?  Yelling was unnecessary and counter-productive!  I said, after lowering my voice, “the bible says to OBEY your parents!”  My youngest responded, immediately (following several minutes of silently taking in my negative outbursts) “because you belong to the Lord”.  I was speechless.  In a selfish effort to ensure they knew that I was mad, I did not respond to her.  Less than 1 minute later, while I was grabbing my lunch out of the refrigerator, my youngest looked at me and said, “Mom, I know that bible verse you were talking about.”  I said, “good, baby!”

I did want them to know that what they’d done (and not done) was unacceptable but what I want them to know most is that I love them.  I am not perfect and will never claim to be.  I made mistakes and will likely make more.  However, I’m going to cling to this memory because if this morning was a reminder of ANYTHING, it’s that I am NOT failing as a mother!

Bye for now,

RR