A relative.

A friend’s dad.

A man that I babysat for.

I’m going to be real with you.  When this whole #MeToo thing first came out, I did not let it encourage me at all.  I thought it was shining a spotlight on what most of us wanted to keep in the dark and the fact that others brought it to light did not make me want to follow suit.

#MeToo, if you aren’t aware, is trending due to celebrities finally coming forward with their truths’ about sexual assault-whether it be exploitation, abuse, harassment, misconduct etc.  It’s spreading rampantly.

Sexual assault can include rape, attempted rape, sexual coercion, incest, fondling or unwanted touching, as well as verbal or visual assault such as peeping, harassment, exhibitionism, or forcing someone to pose for sexual photos.

I visit the news sites daily and I just keep seeing more and more articles and stories about more people coming forward. Still, had no interest in joining in the conversation.

Well, today…..I had an epiphany.

You see, if you don’t know this about me already, I am an idealist.  I can dream up anything and pretty much reason and argue with you about how it explains the world!  (some call it naive! J)  I think about anything and everything and conclude that “everything happens for a reason”.  There is something positive that comes out of every negative.  That’s my mantra.  However, this…..I never could link to something positive so I just kind of pushed it away and left it ignored.  If I can’t explain it, I don’t want to try, kind of thing.

So, back to my epiphany….I read today, on one of the many sites covering the #MeToo, more than half of women have been or will be a victim of some type of sexual assault in their lifetime.  However, after seeing so many post #MeToo on their social media accounts as well as the stories online, I’m thinking it’s likely MUCH more than half.  Then I realized the positive for the negative.  I have two daughters….the likelihood of one or both of them being subjected so something like this or entering into a situation that leads to something like this is pretty high.  I felt, and still feel, like someone punched me in the stomach.  The “purpose” of the negative is to teach my daughters.  I do NOT want my kids to be victims!  I do NOT want them to be silenced or to silence themselves! These are my babies! My sweet, NAIVE, babies!  So….”Momma Mode”!  Much to my disliking and discomfort, this time, in order to teach them and do my part in protecting them, it means that I have to be vulnerable and get all that “stuff” out of the dark hole that I have housed it in and shine a light on it.  A big, fat, ugly, necessary light.

So…brief history…. (Just to be clear, I was never raped.  However, it doesn’t make what happened less important or any type of OK. I know that now.)

A relative.  (From ages ?-14) No matter how I went in for the welcome hug…or even if I tried to avoid it all together, he always found a way to turn me around, criss-cross his arms around my chest, and squeeze on both sides.  I tried the side hug, a high five, even a simple wave….nothing worked.  It eventually turned into random anytime hugs.  Unwelcome, unsolicited, terrible hugs.  It wasn’t until I watched him do it to my best friend that I finally spoke up.

A friend’s dad.  (From ages 12-14) They had a pool, I liked to swim.  Whether it be adjusting my strap or “accidentally” unzipping my cover….it was always a “whoops, sorry about that”.  I stopped swimming there eventually.

A man that I babysat for.  (I was 14)  This was one of the scariest times of my life, to date.  I don’t know about you, but my mom wouldn’t let me spend the night anywhere or really go to anyone’s house to play/hang out unless she met the parents and had their numbers.  Most parents do the same…I know I do.  But one of the few times parents don’t think to enforce the same rules, is when your child is getting paid to babysit.  I know I never would have imagined what happened to have even a slight chance of happening.  My friend, his neighbor, babysat for him all the time.  I really didn’t even think it was weird that he asked her if any of her friends wanted to babysit instead so that he could “grow their backups list”.  Lastly, I had no clue he was hiring me to babysit so that he could be in the same house, just not have to worry with the kids.  I probably would have said no.  Or would I have?  Even THAT didn’t clue me in.  I cannot tell you how many times I prayed that his wife would come home or that someone would come over or that the time I was getting paid for would hurry up and pass. I knew he shouldn’t have been sitting so close and that it wasn’t OK that he was rubbing my back and arm and leg.  No matter how many times he said it was.  I was lucky that it didn’t go further than it did.  I really feared that it would.  I called my brother, early, to come get me.  The ten minutes it took him to get to me felt like ten hours.  I think I held my breath the whole time.

So….below you will find the reasons that I either stayed quiet or dulled it down for the ones I talked to:

1. I feared retaliation and tension for when I saw him again. I knew I would have to see him again.
2. I feared that maybe I was mistaken. Maybe I took it the wrong way…maybe it was an accident?
3. I feared it wasn’t “normal” to talk about.  Nobody else was talking about it….
4. I feared not being believed. Who would believe a kid?
5. I feared losing my friend(s).
6. I feared embarrassment and becoming a source of gossip.
7. I feared my relationships with my friends and family that knew would change in an awkward way.
8. I feared that I’d be blamed somehow. I’ve always been susceptible to manipulation.
9. I feared unwanted attention or coming across as WANTING attention.
10. I feared it wasn’t a “big deal”. After all, my mom had it worse when she was younger….maybe I’d be deemed “too sensitive” and maybe I needed “thicker skin”.  Even though I knew, deep down, my mom would NEVER make me feel that way.

Y’all….my mom never influenced these fears….it’s not like, because of my upbringing, I feared these things.  My mom was wonderful! Yet, here were all these worries and stressors and terrors out of nowhere!  My raising did not instill these fears in me.  The minute I was forced into undeserved, unsolicited, unwelcoming sexualized situations as a child, was the minute I learned what I was afraid of.

So conclusively… I can dissect these details even further and set forth a plan to educate and guide my kids to be a little less silent and a little more confident in themselves.

OR….AND

I can share with them, in an age appropriate way, my story, my real life thoughts and fears, and my truth so that they can hopefully grow from my past experiences so that they never, hopefully, have to have their own.  But…if they DO have their own, they can possess the wisdom to take a stand and to speak up and out!

Old habits die hard but, maybe, by the time they have their own kids, I won’t be so hesitant in saying #MeToo!

Today, I’m replacing my shame for confidence to not be silenced or silence myself.  I replace my regrets with never turning a blind eye when I feel it happening to others around me.  And I replace my fear with a promise to do my part in protecting my daughters not only from being 1 in 2, but also from letting their own fears play a part in in happening to someone else.

#MeToo means you’re not alone.  Remember that!  Find the positive…educate the future not only so they will be wiser, but so that we can take part in the movement to reduce those terrible statistics and stand up so that everyone knows It’s NOT OK!

Bye for now,

RR